Never have I met an animal as perpetually starving as our pig Elly. The porkers entire existence revolves around obtaining food! From the moment we brought her home as a wee piglet, she has been obsessively focused on her next morsel. Pigs, like us, are omnivores and Elly eats the rainbow daily by gorging on peppers, greens, squashes, berries, apples, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and pretty much whatever needs used up from our crisper! In fact, I fondly refer to Elly’s veg consumption to that of an extra-large, over enthusiastic vegetarian man who has moved in and taken over our kitchen. In some ways though, I enjoy the pigs enthusiasm for food.

For example: I slave away in the kitchen making our daughter a delicious healthy, vegetable infused meal.

Me – Look! I made us delicious soup full of organic produce, sunshine, and good health!

Daughter – I don’t like this. Can I have some cereal?

Second example:

Me – Elly! I microwaved you a plate of peas!

Pig – (Sheer joy, admiration and the utmost level of appreciation for my efforts). She eats ALL of her food and asks for more!

Yeah, on second thought, I think its more fun to feed the pig! Now don’t get me wrong. We were THOSE parents that were determined to have an organic, free range, no artificial colors, flavors, preservatives kid! We fed her the rainbow as a young tot, I spent a ridiculous amount of time making quinoa cakes and broccoli nuggets, and our kid still turned out a “picky eater.” So the pigs lust for food is a breath of fresh air. I can throw a pile of kale on a plate and my porcine friend thinks I’m amazing! It’s great, and I have decided that cooking for the pig is fun! Unfortunately, the pig can also get too excited about her food. So excited that the silly animal chokes on it! Let’s flash back a few weekends ago. Trying to be a nice person, I gave Elly a handful of grapes. The pig was so thrilled that she swallowed them whole! Too bad these were of the seeded variety because one literally got lodged in the pigs throat!

Me (to the husband) – The pig is choking on a grape in the kitchen!

Husband – I’m sure she is fine. That pig is always eating too fast!

Me – No really.. she’s heaving, and foaming, and I really think its stuck!

( after a few more minutes of persuading the pigs case… the husband enters the kitchen)

I spend a few moments patting the pigs back and offering words of encouragement. The pig starts to look woozy and we start to get nervous! I search online for “how to save a choking pig” and miraculously directions pop up! By this time our poor porker appears to be passing out and the husband, per the online instructions, is pushing a paintbrush handle down our porcine friend’s throat trying to dislodge the stubborn grape! He succeeds! We rush our pet to the vet where they stabilize her and forbid further grape consumption. After receiving the animal ER bill we agree, we throw the grapes away upon returning home!

Elly’s hunger does not stop with mealtime though. The pig is ravenous at night as well, and usually her stomach starts raging at about 3am. How does a pig show hunger pains? She SQUEALS! From the first night we brought Elly home, the witching hour wake up calls ensued. Pigs are super smart. If we gave in with food she would expect it every night! So we covered our heads with pillows and tried ignoring her! Months later she now “sleeps in” until 5am before honking for food. I accept this as improvement! During the day we also have to take the proper precautions to keep Elly out of our food supply. Within a few months of her tender life, Elly learned how to open our cupboards and unload the food! She consumed an entire container of rice, a tub of nutritional yeast, and half a bag of popcorn kernels before giving up! We now child proof our cupboard doors. Again. But this time not for our actual child, but for our pig!

I  do have to wonder how much food our little lady will need as she matures over the years. I already find myself perusing the grocery aisles grabbing snacks for the child… even more snacks for the pig! I suppose there is a reason the saying “eat like a pig” was coined! As usual, it just took us humans a bit to figure that out!

One of the largest adjustments in learning how to house a pig has involved combatting the pigs boredom. Pigs are super smart! So smart that they have been taught to play video games with joysticks, they can clean up their own toys, master complex tricks and even use tools (such as mirrors) to locate objects. One particular accomplishment of a swine herd, that I personally find hysterical, was discovered by Dr. Curtis at the University of Illinois. Pigs like to keep their living quarters very warm, and his porkers figured out how to turn the heat on in their cold barn on chilly nights! When the barn would reach the desired temperature, they shut the heat back off! HAH! Brilliant if you ask me! The pig rates 4th in total intelligence with humans in first place followed by apes, toothed whales and then pigs. But with the pigs smarts comes a dark side! Our porcine companions have the ability to be deceptive, manipulative, and vindictive!  Studies have shown that pigs within their own herds will demonstrate these behaviors to accomplish their own needs!

This brings me to Elly! She looks pretty peaceful right?

Elly is a member of our family and lives in our bungalow in the city! When Elly gets bored, feels like she has been left home alone too long, is upset about not eating constantly, or just feels left out of the fun she gets into mischief!

How does a pig make trouble? Let me explain.

A few weeks back we had invited a contractor over to take a look at our basement bathroom. We needed some tile work done on our shower and were looking for a quote. Elly had been left home alone all day and was not interested in company. She wanted my sole, undivided, only for pigs attention. In a hurry to show the contractor our leaking shower I patted Elly on the head and rushed downstairs. The tile man starts talking about grout.. and flooring.. (insert lots of construction jargon here) … and then CRASH. We both pause for a moment. Me, knowing this is my disgruntled pig, continues in my conversation with the man. A few seconds later I hear Elly’s hooves above me.. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CRASH! I holler over to our daughter to please go check on the pig. The tile man looks startled but continues talking to me about leveling concrete. Again… CLICK, CLICK, CRASH! This time I stop mid sentence.. “Excuse me.. I need to go check on my pig!!” I run upstairs and find Elly has trotted her way around our dining room table and purposefully knocked every dining room chair over with a vengeful swipe of her beastly head! I pick up the chairs and haul the disgruntled pig downstairs with me. If the tile man was distracted before, now he has a honking pig joining the conversation. He gives me a quote and leaves and surprisingly agrees to set up a date to come back to complete the work sans pig.

We also struggle with the time she is left home alone! While many folks have good success with crateing their pigs while gone from home, we have always chosen to live dangerously by allowing her semi-free access. Sometimes this backfires. Like yesterday for example.

Wow… thanks a lot pig! If you wanted to paint a picture all you had to do was ask! The 1,000 beads on the floor is also a fun bonus. Were you trying to make a bracelet? We could have helped with that too. Oh wait, we were not home!

In addition to the play room, Elly also loves opening and emptying the drawers in our bathroom, opening our kitchen cupboards, knocking over any and all garbage cans, slamming doors and triumphantly throwing stuffed animals all over our daughters room. It’s not even an option tell our actual kid to clean up her mess because the pig made it! Elly will also take to “reading” books while we are gone. Her favorites are Kate DiCamillo’s Mercy Watson books about a porcine wonder! She enjoyed them so much that she ate the picture of the pig right off the cover!

We now prioritize finding ways to keep our porcine honor student engaged. Elly loves going for walks and showing off her strut to the neighborhood. She does a fancy array of tricks and loves learning new ones! She will graze outside like a California cow in the sunshine for HOURS. At the end of the day it’s just about acknowledging the pigs genius and keeping her engaged. It just took us humans a bit to figure that out!